I remember when my older sister, Diana, was leaving. She was about 17 or 18 and perhaps the circumstances weren’t the best, but I remember she was leaving to go to her dad’s house (we have different dad’s). I remember it being night time, and little 6 or 7 year old me was begging her not to go. I sat on her lap as she sat legs crisscrossed on the grass during the night. She hugged me as we both cried and she told me how much she loved me and how much she’d miss me and also tried to explain to me why she had to go. I remember at one point a random stranger walked past us on the sidewalk as we cried and the pain was deep within my chest. I don’t know how long we were out there and I can’t remember at what moment we got up and she left, and I went inside. I just remember not being able to wrap my head around her not being there anymore. The very attempt of it was painful to my heart.
I’m moving to New York. I have a good amount of savings, people going with me, and a goal in mind. I’ve been packing and decluttering and now, I leave in a few hours (I really ought to be sleeping)… If this was the hardest week, today has been the hardest day by far.
I feel like there isn’t a lot said about leaving home, especially for the first time. Yeah, I’ve been gone for months at a time, but there’s always been that peace of mind that everything would be okay and I’ll always come back. This time, I might not come back. It feels like I’m leaving behind pieces of my heart, and I’ve been grieving each one at a time. I think that’s why there isn’t enough information on this; because there aren’t the right words to describe it, but I will make my attempt.
Letting go of the ones you love is an art form. Art is something fueled by passions and love. The fact that everyone I love has been so supportive of me and encouraging me to go… It makes it harder to go. Home to me isn’t necessarily a place, but the people. I gotta say, the people here are some of the best in my life. I’ve known them all for so long and it hurts because, while it may feel as though I’m taking pieces of their hearts with me, they aren’t going to miss everyone that I’ve already started missing. I am very grateful for how hard it is to leave home.
I want you all to know that I am not gone forever. It isn’t that easy to get rid of me, of course. I’ll be in the opposite side of the country and three time zones away, but all that distance means nothing to me. Closeness isn’t always in the physical form, but it’s almost always in the heart. I have learned that I have a huge capacity to love because of Jehovah. When you offer yourself to him, your abilities expand greatly because he ends up being the source and his source is unlimited. While I’m limited in my being, I feel like I am capable of so much more because of him than if I were to try just on my own.
Tragic isn’t it? The more you love, the harder it is to leave. That deep tug in my chest that I first felt when my older sister left, I feel it 100X more now because I have 100X more people pulling at those strings for me. I will never stop loving you guys; If anything, I have a lot more to thank you all for. Thank you for letting me become who I am, for the best of memories, and for all of that support. This isn’t the end, not at all, but a new chapter.
I never say goodbye, so, see you later